Monday, August 29, 2005

Vader is into dudes

You know what's really stupid? The fact that I'm on Coruscant but I can't speeder over a few miles to go see my parents. Now, I really don't want to visit my folks that much, especially after the last disastor/family meal that occured, but it's all about freedom of movement here. Imperial's aren't allowed to hang out with non-Imperial personnel until Mr. Palpatine figures out who the spy was that leaked the "Death Star" plans. I have my suspicions about Captain Stupid (which brings up another question - is his stupidity a ploy or does everyone, no matter what political faction they are, find him annoying?), but I can't really say anything since I already got in trouble for my own personal "investigation of him.

In any case, you're not missing anything exciting right now. I hang out in the Imperial office all day, drink Bajorran coffee with some mates, chit chat about the new model speeders, then we all go home. It's very quiet right now, though there are rumors of surviving "Death Star" personnel shipping off on Star Destroyers soon. We'll see.

Anyways, back to the story of how the "Death Star" blew up and I wound up stranded in a shuttle with Officer Hot Stuff. So after the cell block incident, security was pretty tight. In fact, they had all of us turbolaser maintenance guys working around the clock to tune up our watch. I was assigned to go out and check the internal guts of a wide block of turbolasers, which basically meant walking down a long series of hallways, opening up a panel every 20 feet, and double checking to see everything's ok.

Something really odd happened as I passed by the tractor beam shaft. I think I must have bonked my head or something cause I woke up on the floor. I had recollections of very strange dreams involving an old man in a brown robe. The fact that I was dreaming about old men was much more disturbing to me than the fact that I randomly passed out by the tractor beam (tractor beams have weird technical crap that I can't understand anyway - for all I know, a giant magnet pulled my brain out of consciousness for a few seconds). Well, I suppose if I can't get Officer Hot Stuff, my subconscious is telling me to reach for the more attainable. Old men, however, don't have the curvy butt of athletic female hanger bay officers. I'll let this one sit for a while, though if I continue to have dreams of old men in robes (at least he didn't open the robe), I'll have to go see the Imperial shrink.

Anyways, I was just bumbling along doing my maintenance checks when I turned the corner and who do I see but Darth Vader. Now usually when I see Vader, he's walking somewhere in a hurry and generally looking (as much as a masked dude can) pissed off. But this time, well, he was just standing there. Even weirder, his lightsaber was drawn.

So this was the eternal dilemma. Do I do my duty and open up the turbolaser panel right next to strangely static with lightsaber Darth Vader or do I absolve myself of many potential problems by "forgeting" to check this panel.

My eventual reasoning was this: maybe Vader's WATCHING for maintenance people just like myself to check that they do their duty. So, I'll just casually creep up and open the maintenance panel next to Mr. Vader and do my thing...

"What are you doing here?" Vader boomed.

"Whoa, oh hey, Lord Vader. Wow. I didn't see you there. Have you been standing there the whole time?"

"What are you doing here?" Vader repeated.

"Turbolaser maintenance. Just doing my job like a good Imperial soldier. You know, can't be too careful with those Rebel spies running around on the station."

Apparently, the mention of Rebel spies didn't please Vader too much as his leather glove crinkled with the tightening of his lightsaber. He turned to me and said in a slow, even tone (well, more slow and even than usual Vader), "Have you seen anyone...unusual around here?"

"Uhhhhh...no...is this a trick question?"

"I am waiting for someone," Vader said.

"Oh. Um...is she hot? Ha ha," I said. Hey, it's what I would ask Fun Commander or Grumpy B if they were here.

"She is a he," Vader said.

"Ok...well...I passed by lots of guys on my way here. Um...is HE hot? Maybe I passed by your friend," I said. If Vader wants to swing that way, it's cool with me. To each his own, I say.

"He is not my friend," Vader said.

"Oh...gotcha. One of those things. Look, I know the lightsaber is threatening and all, but sometimes, you just gotta talk it out. Of course, who am I to talk? I can't even get a first date right with Officer Hot Stuff, so who am I to give Lord Darth Vader advice on how to handle men," I said. Then I realized that maybe Vader wasn't into dudes and I didn't want to offend anyone that could choke me by thinking. "That is, um, handle...relationships...between...men and women...or men and men...or women and women...or asexual creatures and whoever they choose to be friends with. That could be anyone. People are people, that's what I say. Live and let live. Yup," I said. Vader still had not moved.

There's nothing more awkward than a silence that is cut through by the hum of a lightsaber.

"So...looks like these turbolasers are up and running ok. I'll just leave you along so you can meet your...guy who's not a friend...yeah...is that cool?" I said

Vader turned his head and glared at me. "That is...cool," he said.

I closed up the turbolaser panel and packed up my tool kit. "All right, well good luck with your not-a-friend guy. By the way, I think there's something wrong with the tractor beam power. I walked by it and passed out and it gave me these really bizarre dreams of old men in brown robes..." I said to Vader. I couldn't finish my sentence because at the mention of old men in brown robes, Vader unleashed a distorted "ARGH" and swung his lightsaber at the wall.

"HE IS HERE! HE IS HERE!" Vader yelled, cutting his lightsaber further and further into the wall - thankfully choosing to sever the instruments ADJACENT to my turbolaser panel.

"Whoa, dude, it's cool. I'll just leave you alone now, ok? Just, um, watch out for the tractor beam, it gives you funky dreams." I walked off as fast as I could politely speed-walk away.

Man, I wouldn't want to be the person summoned to fix THAT panel.

1 Comments:

Blogger owenlars said...

What a sicko. Maybe in that mechanical suit, women just don't respond. I thought he was dating a Jawa.

1:57 PM  

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