Monday, August 01, 2005

Nobody knows the trouble I've seen

After my blunder with Officer Hot Stuff, I went about my daily business, unsure as to when stormtroopers would grab me from behind, hold me by one leg above one of the infinite chasms in the "Death Star" floor, and shake me until all of my loose change fell into the reactor core - or some form of punishment for my little breaking and entering adventure in Captain Stupid's quarters. I'm not sure if they actually alerted Captain Stupid to what I had done (and like a good friend, I didn't name the involvement of Fun Commander, so he owes me a Corellion ale), since he's been acting as stupid as ever. Nothing had happened in the day following the incident with Officer Hot Stuff.

I was beginning to think that the I had gotten away scott free. Then a small battalion of stormtroopers showed up at my cube right before lunch time. The lead trooper walked up, raised his blaster rifle to chest level and politely stated, "Grumpy Moff, please come with us. We wish to discuss your disciplinary action."

This got the attention of the straight arrow Captain Big Nose. I couldn't tell if the look on his face was A) glee for watching someone go down or B) astonishment that someone he worked with could possibly require disciplinary action.

I stood up and the stormtroopers politely parted sides to clear a path for me. As I stepped forward, the battalion marched behind me, their white boots click-clacking in unison behind me. With each step, I took a quick wince, expecting a blaster bolt - possibly on stun, but possibly on kill - to zap any part of my body. "Please proceed to the security center in this sector," the lead trooper asked. We turned outside of the turbolaser office block and walked down the long circular hallway of the "Death Star."

"So, um, arrest any cool dudes today?" I asked, trying to break the silence as we marched along with some humor.

"No sir. Just officers who have broken Imperial rules."

"Oh...um...that's too bad," I meekly squaked. Several steps further, I tried again to get on the their good side. "Are those boots comfortable? I've always wanted to know. I bought these awesome insoles that go in my boots that make them way more comfortable. If you're interested, I can find out where to get them the next time we're in the Coruscant region. You know, cause you guys do so much walking and stuff." I glanced back at the small battalion. "The offer goes to all you guys, not just him," I said, nodding at the lead trooper.

Absolute silence. Click clack click clack click clack as we walked down the hallway.

"Oh, ok, gotcha," I said. "Well, let me know if you want some for off duty or something. I know you guys walk and run and do a lot marching through the hallways here."

Click clack click clack click clack

"So, do you guys know what's up with those red guards who hang out with the Emperor? Is that like a promotion you get to or did he just give his buddies cushy jobs?"

Click clack click clack

Obviously, the stormtroopers are not one for conversation. However, for all I know, they have totally been playing with me, making faces behind those darn masks of theirs. Someday, I'll befriend a stormtrooper and find out the truth behind them.

We walked for another few minutes before getting to my sector's security center. As I walked in, I was directed down another hallway of cells.

"Sir, your punishment is three days inside prison security. Your illegal activities will be noted on your Imperial record and you will be treated as a prisoner for this time. After the three days, you will resume normal life and duties aboard the Death Star. Do you have any questions?" said the lead trooper.

"Um...can I get any visitors?"

"You are permitted one visitor a day. The visitor must receive clearence from the security center. You will be notified of any visitor requests."

"Oh, cool. Um...ok, well I guess I'll be going to my cell now." The troopers pointed me to the third cell on the right. The heavy black door flew open with a whoosh and I stepped into a room with a single black hard bench. At least it was comfortable temperature-wise.

"Sir, the Empire recommends that you spend the time thinking about the consequences of breaking Imperial law. Repeat offences are not taken lightly. You will be served three meals a day. Please perform bodily functions in the bucket assigned to you. It will be cleaned twice a day."

Bucket? We're the freaking Empire and we can't afford a mobile toilet droid? Or is this the Emperor's ways of treating prisoners?

"Please enjoy your stay at cell block AA-23. The security officials will come check on your status later."

With that, the door slammed shut and I was left alone with a hard black bench and a little black bucket featuring the Imperial logo.

At least I can't piss off Officer Hot Stuff in here, right?

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