Monday, August 22, 2005

Fun in the cell block

As you can probably tell by my lack of posting, the Empire's been on a bit of an information lockdown lately. Blogging, especially from an anonymously snarky officer, isn't particularly appreciated at this point. Until the destruction of the "Death Star" is thoroughly investigated and closed, I'll only be able to post sporadically. Perhaps things will change when I get my new assignment. Survivors of the "Death Star" are currently being housed on Coruscant after a brief detour with whatever Star Destroyer was able to pick them up.

It's certainly a long story, so I'll start where I left off, write what I can, and update until things get back to normal. When you first left me, I had just finished serving my sentence in the brig for my little breaking-and-entering stunt on Captain Stupid. Well, the next day, I realized that I left one of my pass cards in the cell, so I went back up to the cell block station to check out the lost and found. The station officer let me back into my cell and I was busy digging around underneath the metal bed block when I heard a the station door open. I peeked around the corner and saw two stormtroopers (one noticeably shorter than the other - he must be really strong or something cause I thought the Empire had physical minimums to be a trooper) bring a wookiee to the holding cell.

Then all hell broke loose. There was a lot of screaming, a lot of blasting, a lot of really loud wookiee howling and when it was all over, I snuck a look outside to see the two stormtroopers, now helmetless, arguing over the bodies of dead officers. As the wookiee leaned back and scratched himself, the short trooper jogged up the rampway to the cells while the other one was talking into the comlink.

Being the brave guy that I am, I rolled underneath the bed as the trooper passed my open door. Pretty sly, I thought to myself - a little too soon, though. The trooper leaned back and saw me.

"Are you hiding under the bed?" he asked.

I remained quiet. Maybe he thinks it's someone else hiding under the bed.

"Look, I see you under there," he said. Looks like what little luck I had ran out. I crawled out from underneath the bed, my Imperial officer's cap knocked forward as I smacked my not-too-smart skull against the bed as I stood up.

"Hey, um, I don't know what's going on, but I'm just here to pick up this pass card. See?" I said, holding the card up, waving it around as if it would make a protective blaster shield. "I don't even have a gun. I just supervise turbolaser operators...oh...crap."

The trooper held his gun up. This wasn't good. He didn't look old enough to be holding a blaster rifle, let alone be a trooper. Really nice tan, though - he must work outside a lot.

Of course, I couldn't fully comprehend all of the different places in the galaxy where one could get a tan like that because then it hit me that a blaster rifle was being pointed at me. Me! First I make an ass of myself in front of Officer Hot Stuff for the 6 millionth time, then I get thrown in prison, and now some teenage stormtrooper.

Wait a minute - if he's younger than most troopers - and shorter! - then he must be ridiculously overqualified. Maybe he's a sharpshooter extraordinaire. Maybe he's one of those freaky guys who looks tiny but can tear your arms out of your sockets. Maybe he's got crazy weird powers like Darth Vader and can choke people just by looking at them.

Oh crap. I REALLY regret breaking into Captain Stupid's quarters now.

"Look man, I didn't see anything. I was just here under the bed looking for my pass card. I'm sure the station officers shot at you first. I mean, really, they're jerks. I got thrown in here for something really, really dumb and they weren't nice to me at all. Whatever you did, I'm sure it's totally justified. I didn't see anything. Just, um, hanging out here...under the bed...the whole time." I knelt down and rolled back under the bed. "See, I was here the whole time. Didn't see a thing," I said evenly, trying not to piss of Mr. Overachieving Extraordinary Short Young Stormtrooper. "Please don't shoot me!" I blurted out.

Hey, when you gotta beg for your life, might as well do it right, right?

The short trooper relaxed and lowered his rifle. "Hey, I'm here for something else. I'm not gonna shoot you, just gonna shut and lock this door from the outside, all right?"

"Not a problem, man. Not a problem. Do what you need to do. I've spent three days in here, it's practically my second home."

Man, I am pathetic.

The trooper closed the door and opened the one next to me a few seconds later. A few garbled conversations later, some more yelling, and then more blaster fire sounds cut through the wall. One large explosion later and suddenly everything started smelling like sewage.

Let's see. In the matter of 10 minutes, I've managed to hide under a prison bed, beg pathetically for my life, and get trapped in a room with the aroma of excrement floating inside. Yes, I've got the best luck in the world.

About 30 minutes later, some more stormtroopers opened my door and filled me in on what was going on (after a thorough interrogation - do I look like a Rebel soldier? I cowered under the bed, for heaven's sake!). Apparently the prisoner next to me was Senator Leia Organa, who is know an exposed Rebel spy, and the two stormtroopers who shot their way in here were her rescuers.

At this moment, I made the connection - Captain Stupid knew Leia Organa. In fact, I'd seen him on the vid screen with her a few times. Perhaps they weren't just involved in tech smuggling.

The truth came later as the story evolved. I've used up my communication time now though, I'll tell the next part in the story the next time I can get to a comm console. Hopefully, the Empire will lift these communications restrictions fairly soon - not that I terribly care about the investigation of the "Death Star's" destruction, I just wanted to check my email to see if any of my volleyball teammates survived.


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