Sunday, August 07, 2005

Apologies to those from Alderaan

Life inside an Imperial cell is very, very boring. That, and I don't have computer access, so I couldn't update my blog for a few days. You guys didn't miss anything though, it was a lot of sitting back and staring at the wall. I'm not sure if anyone informed Captain Stupid of what I did since I haven't seen him since I got out. He hasn't sent me any death threats or staked out my quarters, so I'm assuming things are cool and he hasn't flipped out...yet.

The only notable thing that happened was my first day when I was taking a nap and the sounds of several pairs of footsteps clammored by my cell. During a brief pause, I could hear the distinct hoooooooo-phhhhhaaaaawwwww of Darth Vader's breathing. Then another distinct noise - the whirring and buzzing of one of the Imperial interrogation droids (which I didn't have to deal with since I 'fessed up to my misdemeanor pretty quickly - I'm not messing with those things, they have big ass needles!). The cell door next to me whooshed open and I could hear the footsteps bundle together inside. There was a muffled exchange (a female voice and Vader's muffled mechanical musings) for about 20 minutes before the group took off. It must be a pretty important person for Vader to interrogate her personally. I wonder if he told her about his awesome lightsaber cooking skills.

Anyways, today when I got back to my quarters, I checked my messages. Apparently, I missed the big news - this morning, the "Death Star" took its first test run of the main gun. Here's the memo I received in my email.

To: Death Star Employees (
From: Grand Moff Tarkin (
Subject: Alderaan destruction

Dear friends,

Today, we pass along the regretable news that the planet Alderaan was destroyed. This was a good news/bad news situation. The bad news, obviously, is that the planet was destroyed. The good news is that the Death Star's main gun works just as we planned and the destruction was quite spectacular - it even had a praxis effect (at least I thought so, but Lord Vader apparently saw it differently - we'll have to check the vid records).

Our apologies to those native to Alderaan. You must know that your planet's destruction was done for the greater good of peace and justice. There were many reports of Rebel factions forming in Alderaan and our intelligence simply could not pinpoint all of traitors. Rather than let the Rebel factions grow in strength, the Emperor decided the best course of action to protect peace and security would be to eliminate the entire planet - thus, eliminating all threats to our Imperial way of life.

As compensation for lost property and/or loved ones, the Empire will give native Alderaanians a 10% discount at Donnell's Speeder Shop in Coruscant's Galactic City. Death Star employees will get an added bonus of a coupon for one free meal and drink at our very own Death Splash Pub & Grill.

To claim your Speeder Shop voucher and meal/drink ticket, please visit any security station with your Alderaan ID.

If you have any questions regarding the destruction of Alderaan, please email Lord Vader ( He will happily answer your inquiry.

For continued peace and security,

Grand Moff Tarkin

Captain Stupid is from Alderaan. As I much as I dislike the guy, it must suck to have your whole planet blown up.


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