Wednesday, July 06, 2005

Vader's secret recipe

Growing up at the tail end of the Clone Wars, I have to admit that I don't know much about the Jedi Knights other than what we learned in history class. But I do know that they had a really cool looking weapon, if not exactly the most practical one. Zipping around the galaxy swinging a laser sword looks pretty awesome if you're trying to impress babes, but I have no idea how they actually managed to win against blasters. Range = victory in my mind.

The reason I bring up the Jedi and their lightsabers is because we had a very interesting demonstration today at the Death Splash Bar and Grill. Yager Jarmorir, one of Coruscant's most noted chefs and holonet star of "Cooking the Yager Way!", was invited along to showcase his cooking talents on the Death Splash's stage for the crew. Those who were able to get off their shifts early dropped into the Death Splash to see (and taste) the demonstration in person, while the rest of the "Death Star" was able to watch via the comm system.

It was about as exciting as watching someone cook can be until about 30 minutes in when Jarmorir decided to show us a little cooking secret of his. "Now, ladies and gentlemen of the Death Star, I want to show you a new technique that I have just perfected over the past few months," he proclaimed. He motioned to his assistants to bring out some hunks of meat, then bent down and opened up a small metal case. "You old timers may recognize this," he said as he lifted out a small metal tube. "Many years ago, this was used as a weapon. But now, I have discovered the secret..." Jarmorir paused, taking a nicely timed dramatic breath before a bright blue energy blade expanded from the tube, "...the secret to the perfect grilled filet! Ladies and gentlemen, behold the cooking tool of the past...and the future...the Jedi lightsaber!"

Those who were standing at the front of the stage took a small step back. I think everyone knew their history well enough to realize those things could cut throw anything, especially when handled by an overly flamboyant chef. Jarmorir swung the lightsaber in a dramatic arc, its hum buzzing over the PA system. "Simple, but brilliant! Savage, but elegant! The lightsaber can be used for many different things in the kitchen. And it all finishes with the ultimate taste sensation!" Jarmorir's assistants picked up the hunks of meat and placed it on the stage's cooking table.

"Watch now as I cut and cook these bantha thighs with utmost precision!" Jarmorir proclaimed. He slowly guided the blade through the meat, cutting it into a small cube, before turning the blade on its side and holding it just barely over the meat. The heat from the saber gradually cooked the raw meat, first turning it pink, then a fine white color. Within minutes, the bantha thigh looked ready to eat.

"Now, who wants to try Yager's lightsaber delight?" he exclaimed to the crowd. Several hands shot up in the air. Jarmorir grinned from ear to ear, then quickly brought the saber down into the meat, cutting it into thin slices. His assistants handed the slices to the crowd volunteers who eagerly tasted the meat. "You will find lightsaber cooking is unlike anything you've had before. The meat stays juicy and tender on the inside, the outside is never burned, and it's always cooked evenly...that is...when Yager Jarmorir cooks it!" he exclaimed. The crowd applauded and Jarmorir held up his lightsaber in triumph, soaking in the applause.

After a few seconds, Jarmorir's face fell and drained of color. Those standing in front turned around and craned their necks to see a black helmet making its way through the crowd. Darth Vader was in the house.

"Lord Vader, this unexpected surprise. I wasn't aware that you, um, you were such a...a fan of gourmet cooking," Jarmorir stammered. Vader walked up to the stage and stood toe to toe with Jarmorir.

"Where did you get that lightsaber?" Vader asked.

" a swap store...on Nar Shadaa..." Jarmorir replied. Vader stood silently, his mechanized breathing soaking into the PA system.

"Interesting," Vader replied. He turned to Jarmorir's assistants. "Bring me some meat." Jarmorir's assistants nodded frantically and dashed backstage. "I will show you how it is done," Vader said, before opening his cloak and pulling out his very own lightsaber. The crowd oooed as he ignited the crimson blade. Jarmorir's assistants ran back, hands visibly shaking, as they placed another bantha thigh on to the stage table.

Vader pierced the thigh's center with his lightsaber, then slowly pulled the blade out, twisting the handle as he did so. Then, with a single violent motion, he chopped up and down to cut the thigh in half and made two quick horizontal slashes to trim the pieces into neat rectangles. Vader ran his saber through each rectangle lengthwise, then chopped each into 10 slices that neatly fell on to their sides. Vader's saber retracted and he stood behind the table.

"Who ate his samples?" Vader asked the audience. A few hands in the front raised. "Come here and try these," Vader commanded. The volunteers meekly walked up to the stage, picking up a piece of meat, and taking the slices from one bantha thigh rectangle. The volunteers faces softened, changing from puzzled fear to satisfaction as they chewed the samples.

"Wow, this is great Lord Vader," one volunteer said. Vader simply nodded his approval as the volunteers cleared the stage.

"I suggest you use sentry spices the next time you cook this, Yager," Vader said. Jarmorir nodded feverishly in silent reply. Vader turned to his assistants and said, "Have the remaining slices brought to my chambers." The assistants silently gathered the remaining pieces as Vader walked off behind the stage and disappeared.

The stunned crowd stood silent before breaking into polite applause. Who knew that Vader could cook?


Blogger Gazza said...

I have a recipe tool site/blog. It pretty much covers recipe tool related stuff.

Come and check it out if you get time :-)

2:57 AM  
Blogger Gazza said...

I have a muffin recipe site/blog. It pretty much covers muffin recipe related stuff.

Come and check it out if you get time :-)

6:07 AM  

Post a Comment

<< Home