Friday, July 29, 2005

I am the Stupid, not Grumpy, Moff

Riding high off of my successful break-in of Captain Stupid's quarters (ok, I didn't really find out much info other than he is A) hording schematics and B) friends with a senator from Alderaan, but it was still cool to pull off a covert mission), I decided that it would be ideal to discuss the situation during my meeting/date/encounter with Officer Hot Stuff. We had agreed to go to the Death Splash Pub and Grill for some off-duty fun. Surprisingly, I had not made an ass of myself for the first twenty minutes. Nope, conversation was brisk, Officer Hot Stuff was hot, and I was as cool as a Grumpy Moff can be.

Then I brought up Captain Stupid. And it all went downhill from there.

GM: So, you remember Captain Stupid from the Devastator?

OHS: Annoying guy who talks really fast? Yeah, how could you forget him?

GM: Did you know that he was transferred here?

OHS: What?

GM: Oh yes, and the Emperor decided the best place for his quarters to be would be right next to mine.

OHS:! That's awful. Does he bug you a lot?

GM: Actually, I've managed to avoid him. But, um, I think (I pause and look to see if anyone is potentially eavesdropping), I think he's tech smuggling.

OHS: (her brow furrows in an intense but attractive way) Are you sure?

GM: Well, no, not totally sure. But I know that he was discussing the retrofit of the Death Star's exhaust port with a senator from Alderaan. And I know that he has crates and crates of schematics in his room. Everything from turbolasers to the main gun to the Imperial fleet.

OHS: And he was dumb enough to show you this? He must be the worst smuggler on the planet.

GM: Um...well...he didn't exactly show me...

OHS: How'd you find out? What, did you program an astromech to let you break into his quarters?

GM: Heh, you know, it's a funny story, but yeah, actually I did. Pretty cool, huh?

Officer Hot Stuff's eyes widen just a hair and her lips grow thin. My amusing anecdote was transforming into a yawning chasm of embarrassing childish boasting and, oh yeah, illegal activity. Crap.

OHS: You broke into his room?

GM: "Broke" is a relative term. Um...technically...the astromech did it. I just stood there and walked in the open door.

OHS: Why did you break into his room?

GM: I told you, cause I suspected he was a tech smuggler. And he's been annoying me since I joined the Empire, so I figured that, you know, if I expose him for what he is, then maybe he'd get shipped off the Death Star. (LONG awkward pause) Cause, you know, um...he's annoying and stuff.

Officer Hot Stuff stands up and motions for me to follow her. We march out of the Death Splash Pub and Grill and down one of the many long halls inside the "Death Star" over to a security terminal.

OHS: You see this? (I meekly nod) Do you know what this is?

GM: It's a security terminal. I think you can call for help here.

OHS: If you read your Death Star welcome package, you would know that you could submit anonymous tips here regarding security concerns. So instead of concocting an elaborate scheme to fulfill your childhood fantasies of breaking and entering, you could have followed proper Imperial procedure. Now whatever evidence he has in there of possibly being a tech smuggler is tainted.

GM: Tainted?

OHS: (shaking her head in frustration - boy, she's hot when she's frustrated at my stupidity) Didn't you learn anything from your Death Star orientation? Because of the case of Antilles vs. Korsonoff four years ago, the courts found it illegal to begin investigation based on evidence found on illegal grounds. Illegal, like your breaking and entering.

GM: Oh...dang.

OHS: IF I decided to withhold the fact that you told me about this, then I would be withholding evidence. And you know that any illegal activity is looked as betrayal of the Empire.

GM: Wait a minute...just cause I broke into Captain Stupid's room, I'm betraying the Empire?

OHS: (sighs) You really don't read or listen, do you? The Emperor has stated that any illegal activity is viewed as potential treason. You are breaking the laws of the Empire, thus turning your back on what it stands for.

GM: Wait a minute. We're the Empire. Why do we have to follow all these rules and stuff? Don't we just interrogate suspects and blast them with our stormtroopers? What's with all this legal mumbo jumbo?

OHS: The senate and the courts dictate the law. Unless the Emperor dissolves them, we have to follow them.

GM: Oh...dang. what are you going to do now?

OHS: As an Imperial Officer, I'm going to have to report you. Now, since what you did isn't that big of a deal, you'll probably just get a formal reprimand and maybe have to apologize to Captain Stupid. But you've blown any chance of getting him off the station. Good job.

GM: So, um, I don't suppose I could use my powers of seduction to keep you quiet? (I slowly move forward and reveal an oh-so-dashing smile. Officer Hot Stuff is not amused.)

OHS: I'm not even going to dignify that with a response.

Officer Hot Stuff spins on her heel and storms away, her boots making a rapid cadence of click-clacks against the "Death Star" tile floor.



Blogger Captain Adellon Lity said...

What? No entries in over a month! Please don't keep me in suspect, GM! The plot thickens, and I don't even mind you mooning over Officer Hot Stuff if you just keep us informed!

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