Wednesday, July 13, 2005

Captain Stupid is hiding something

So, loyal Grumpy Moff fans, I know you're wondering how things went with Officer Hot Stuff. Well, unfortunately, nothing's happened yet. As it turns out, the "Death Star" supervisors have her scheduled working opposite of my schedule. So I probably won't get to see her until next week, which means that I'll be doing a lot of sitting around the turbolaser supervisor cubes complaining to Fun Commander about how I'm terrified that I'll make an ass of myself. Not that I haven't already in front of her, but you know what I mean - there's being a cute, loveably stupid ass and then there's being a kinda creepy and annoying ass.

Speaking of creepy and annoying, I had a very strange encounter with Captain Stupid today. He's hiding something, but I'm not sure what it is. I was coming back to my quarters after my shift today and I noticed that his door hadn't closed all the way. Normally, when I hear his non-stop yammering, I run and hide, but he said something very odd right when I passed by.

Captain Stupid: ...and they've begun work on expanding that thermal exhaust port and I think it might be a weakness in the station but I'm not sure if it will work or not. I mean, boy, you gotta sure be lucky to get something in there, and not lucky like "Wow, I won a sabaac round lucky," but lucky like "Wow I can hit...

Unknown Female Voice: Ok, ok, I get it. So you think two feet is wide enough?

Captain Stupid: It's possible, but you've really got to be precise. Did you ever hear the story of Arax Dark and the Mendula dragon? Arax Dark was just a boy, but his town had been taken over by this huge, ugly dragon and he just had a sling shot. It's actually a pretty inspiring story, I read it from time to time even though it's just a myth, but you know that myths are...

Unknown Female Voice: (low whispering)

Captain Stupid: Oh...oh...hmmm

At this point, I hear footsteps as Captain Stupid obviously detects my presence. The door opens right when I manage to turn around.

Captain Stupid: Oh, hey Grumpy Moff. Watcha doing? You just hanging around?

Grumpy Moff: Oh, no, I'm uh...I was just heading home. You know, long day at work and everything. I think the Emperor's running me into the ground.

I pause to take a look into his quarters. He's on a vid screen call with someone who looks kind of familiar, but I can't quite place her. I think she's on the holonet a lot, but why would someone like that talk with Captain Stupid?

Grumpy Moff: Who's that? I swear I've seen her before.

Captain Stupid: Oh her? She's just an old family friend. I've known her for years, we used to be in the Alderaan children's theatre together. We did a production of Rainbows and Dreams where she was the lost princess and I was the grouchy old farm hand who helps her out. I actually did quite a bit of singing when I was younger and did theater.

Captain Stupid clears his throat and proceeds to blast out some ear-splitting children's tune about chasing the rainbows and the dreams will follow. The woman on the vid screen rolls her eyes and shakes her head.

Grumpy Moff: Um...hey, that's really good singing, but I gotta get going now. I'm really tired from working all day. You know the Empire, work work work, ha ha. Heh.

Captain Stupid: Oh, sure sure, I gotcha. Go take a nap or something. I don't want to leave my friend hanging here, anyways.

I turn around to leave and Captain Stupid opens his mouth and sounds completely different from every time I've heard him speak. His usual irritating speech, flying at 100 words per second and filled with as much sense as a pile of bantha poodoo, completely disappears and he speaks slowly and precisely, like his life depended on what he was going to say.

Captain Stupid: Grumpy Moff...I know you were standing by my door. What did you hear?

Grumpy Moff: Huh?

Captain Stupid takes a step forward and his torso lifts to make him suddenly look much bigger. Stupidity can be intimidating in these situations.

Captain Stupid: The Empire can't stand for spies or eavesdropping. What did you head?

Grumpy Moff: Look, I just head you mention something about the Death Star exhaust port project. I hadn't heard anything about it, but I know that's why your here, so it just caught my ear. That's all.

Captain Stupid's brow furrows into a sharp W and he nods. Suddenly, his annoyingly chipper persona returns.

Captain Stupid: Ok, well, don't do that again. It's rude, you know. If you wanna say hi or something, just knock first. I always enjoy visitors, you know that.

Captain Stupid turns around and closes his door, slamming it a second time to make sure that it closes all the way. Usually, Captain Stupid can't shut up and will talk about anything, so for him to get all authoritarian on me is really bizarre.

He's gotta be hiding something. And if exposing him means that he'll be forced to leave the "Death Star", well then, I better do some digging.

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