Saturday, June 04, 2005

WELCOME (to the) DEATH (star)

Now that I've got my "Death Star" plans back from Captain Stupid, I finally opened up the "So you're transferring to the 'Death Star'" package that the higher-ups sent me. I was greeted with the following cheery phrase on the welcome booklet:

to the

Either the designer is really clueless or the Emperor has very poorly attempted to incorporate subliminal messages into Empire documentation.

The rest of the booklet isn't quite as rattling as the cover page's invitation to death. In fact, it sounds downright upbeat - like the Academy dorms, except with a gigantic planet-destroying gun in one quadrant. Here's an excerpt from the "We're All One Big Death Star Family" chapter:

When you come aboard the Death Star, you join the Imperial team in guarding peace and justice in the galaxy. We want you to feel as welcome here as you do on your home system - because the Death Star is your home away from home for the duration of your stay. Pets (non-shedding and non-poisonous) are welcome as long as you assume all responsibilities for feeding, potty, and play time. Don't bring your animal friends on board the Death Star if you feel you will not have time to be a devoted owner - that's not fair to the pet or to you. Pets are part of the Death Star family, and if they're not happy, then we can't be the best galaxy-defending team that we can be.

Please note that the Death Star is a non-deathstick facility. If you wish to enjoy deathsticks, please do so in the alloted areas in the hanger bay.

It definitely sounds like the Empire spent their budget on this station. There's a lot of cool stuff around - heck, it almost sounds like a vacation! Here's an excerpt from the "Life in Death: Entertainment on the Death Star" chapter:

Your daily life on the Death Star should be a combination of work and fun. We encourage you to mix the two together - in fact, nothing would please the Emperor more than dedicated Death Star workers who enjoy what they do. On the Death Star, you'll be able to relax in our massage/spa parlor, race in the Galactic Championship length swimming pools, join aerobic dance classes, or meet some new friends over a friendly game of Pazaak. Weekly exercise classes and intra-station sports leagues are now forming. If you would like more information about these, contact your section's activities coordinator.

The Emperor has spared no expense in constructing the Death Star and that includes the mess hall. From breakfast buffets to three-course dinners, it's only the best food for the best of the Empire's employees. Your menu changes every day - watch out for upcoming specialty nights as we hyperspace in some of the best guest chefs in the galaxy. Menus are available a month in advance and can be found posted on the vid screen outside of your section's mess hall.

Need some time to unwind after destroying a planet or defending the galaxy from Rebels? Come on down to the Death Splash Pub & Grill for a drink and a bite of home cookin'! The Death Splash has 23 vid screens and 10 holo projectors to watch all of the latest sports and entertainment across the galaxy. It's also got the latest in interactive entertainment. Ever wanted to be a pod racer? Hop on into the Death Splash's simulator. How about experiencing the excitement of the old Sith days? Play "Sith Conquerer" or any of our other free-play holo and video games. Games will be updated and rotated around the station on a regular basis.

The Death Star shopping concourse also has the following amenities:
  • Haircuts
  • Library
  • Arboretum
  • Gift shop
If it sounds like the Death Star has all of the fun stuff you'd find in a major city, then we've done our job. The Death Star is much bigger than most cities - it's even bigger than some moons! Because of that, the Empire has gone the distance to make sure that everyone's stay here is as enjoyable as possible. The Empire knows that happy workers make for productive workers.

I'm going to miss my friends on the Devastator crew, but I can certainly get used to living like this!


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