Wednesday, June 01, 2005

Grumpy kids become grumpy moffs

Even after graduating the Academy, getting a well-paid position on a Star Destroyer, and being one of the elite few to transfer to the "Death Star," some things just aren't good enough for the Grumpy Moff's parents.

What do they want me to do? Become the Emperor?

I hadn't told my parents about the "Death Star" transfer yet, so I contacted them on their Coruscant home. Contrary to popular opinion, Coruscant is not just one gigantic city. If that were the case, you'd never be able to mail anything anywhere. There are actually hosts of suburbs and districts litering the surface. My folks live in the Lightport district, about 200 miles west of the capital building and senate chambers. They're your typical middle-class Coruscanti folks - 2 speeders, a four bedroom home, three kids, one of which is a grumpy underachiever in their eyes.

Anyways, yesterday I contacted them on the vid screen to tell them the big news.

Grumpy Moff: Hey guys, I have some exciting news!

Mom: Oh, I knew it! He's finally got a girlfriend! How long has it been since Portisa left you, three years?

Dad: She better make a good living. You know the Empire pension fund isn't that great. You gotta look to the future.

Mom: Don't listen to your father. As long as she loves you, that's all you need. She wants children, right?

Dad: How'd you meet her wearing those Imperial uniforms? Is she colorblind or something?

Mom: Stop that. I'm sure she's a perfectly nice girl. So, Grumpy Moff, how did you meet her? Is she on your ship?

GM: Umm...actually, I haven't met anyone. I've been really busy at work. You know, keeping up the turbolaser crew on the ship. I've got other big news.

Dad: I knew it, you're just shuffling around again. Don't you want to do something with your life? Look at your brother. Regional governor in the middle rim, married, two kids. And your sister, she's one of the top performers at the Galactic Opera by the Senate. In fact, we just met her boyfriend - have you seen that show "Investigation Troop Squad" on the HoloNet? He plays...

GM: Mom! Dad! I don't care what Grumpy Sister or Grumpy Brother are up to. I have big news! I'm getting transferred to the new space station. I'll be back home for a few days for some meetings with the Emperor and Grand Moff Tarkin, then we're shipping back out.

Mom: Space station? Is that safe with all of those Rebel attacks going on?

Dad: Sounds kind of fishy to me. Probably putting the galactic scrubs on there just in case it gets blown up. I wouldn't put up with that kind of crap if I were you. You're too good at turbolaser maintenance to...

GM: No, no, no. This is a promotion. Only the best of the best get to be on the station. Grand Moff Tarkin and Darth Vader are going to be spending a lot of time on it.

Dad: Promotion, huh? Are you getting a raise?

GM: Um...no.

Dad: Are you getting a bigger office?

GM: Uh, actually, see, the Emperor has this idea about getting rid of offices for group morale...

Dad: Are you getting a shuttle or more crew under you?

GM: (sighs) No dad, I'm not.

Dad: Then they're using you again. You should have gotten into politics like your brother.

Mom: (eyes widen with recognition) Oh! This isn't the Death Moon I've heard about, is it?

GM: Death Star, mom. Death. Star. Yes it is, and I think the name is stupid, so I don't call it that.

Mom: (her face falls and her eyebrows turn into a river of knotted crinkles) Oh my. Death Star. Oh my, that sounds very dangerous. Very, very dangerous. I've heard about this on the HoloNet news. They say the Rebels will probably try and attack it - there's even rumors of spies trying to get the technical plans for it. (she puts her head in her hands) Oh, Grumpy Moff, why did you have to join the military? Why couldn't you be like your brother or your sister?

GM: Mom, I'm not in the military. I do maintenance checks and supervision.

Dad: Those Rebel bastards are gonna blow you up. You should stay on that ship. Better yet, transfer to Coruscant. You can stay with us, your bedroom is clean and we've still got...

Mom: Yes, yes! Transfer home! The Sausgolds have a very nice daughter who works at the Great Muse Bank down the road. She's just a tad younger than you and could stand to exercise a tiny bit more, but she's really a darling...

GM: (pretending to hear something in the background) What's that? Oh, leak in the main turbolaser unit? Oh, I'll be there right away. (turns back to vid screen) Mom, dad, I gotta go. I'll see you in a few weeks when I come to Coruscant, ok?

Mom: Leak in the turbolaser unit? Make sure you wear your radiation...(I snap off the vid screen before she finishes the sentence)

This is my life. My parents want me to move in with them and marry a banker, my pazaak playing buddies are staying on the Devastator, I can't muster two words to Officer Hot Stuff, and I can't locate Captain Stupid to get my damn "Death Star" plans back.

And that, my friends, is why I am a Grumpy Moff.

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