Tuesday, June 28, 2005

Captain Stupid returns

Ok, so I bet you're all wondering how Captain Stupid wound up being my next door neighbor. Well, I'm wondering about that too! Perhaps the Emperor saw my blog, did some research, and figured out who I was and this is his way of punishing me. Or mocking me. It could be a great big social experiment to see how long I go before killing him, going insane, or letting myself fly out of an airlock. Whatever the reason, he is here and I must deal.

How he got transferred here is another story. In fact, one tiny little decision I made a few weeks ago has guaranteed me indefinite suffering. You see, some time ago, back on the Devastator, I received my "Death Star" technical plans in a nice holo format. My tendency to procrastinate ensured that I did not look at the damn holo for over a week. One night, I told myself that I would finally get around to looking at it. Unfortunately, as I was making my regular rounds around the turbolaser stations, one of my buddies suggested I join in on a pazaak game that night. Giving into temptation, I agreed, shoving my "Death Star" plans review further down my schedule.

The next morning, I work up about an hour early and walked into the mess hall with the "Death Star" holo in hand. I was going to be a good Grumpy Moff and do my duty and look over the plans while I ate breakfast. And of course, that was the fateful breakfast where Captain Stupid saw me and borrowed my plans. What did he discover when I lent him the plans? Well, I had no clue until he saw me the first morning on the "Death Star" unpacking my quarters. There I was, just unpacking my clothes like a good Imperial officer when I heard a knock on the door.

Gm: Come in.

CS: (opens door) Oh. My. Goodness. Wow wow wow wow wow. I can't believe you're here! You're in this room? Oh. My. Goodness. Mygoodness! This is incredible, what a complete coin-

GM: Wait a minute. What are you doing here? Don't you have to be on the Devastator?

CS: Oh, I wasn't part of the initial transfer crew, but you see, when you let me borrow your plans, I spent a lot of time analyzing it. A lot of time. Several days, in fact. Oh, you know that. I mean, you came and got the plans back from me, so you must have been able to calculate...

GM: How did you get on board?

CS: Oh, yes yes yes yes yes. Well, you see, there's an exhaust port on the end of the Death Star's equatorial trench. You know, the big line that runs across the station, there's a little hole where exhaust from the main power conduits release steam and...

GM: I'm aware of that. What happened?

CS: Well, by my calculations, the Empire designed it with just below the bare minimum of space. It's only about half a meter wide, which means that some subsystems may get overdrawn in their power, giving erratic fluctuations to several power grids affecting sections A5, B25, the fourth main gun laser generator, docking bay 66, and um...dang...what was the last thing...it was really important...

GM: So the port was too small? Why'd they need you on board? Couldn't they fix it?

CS: Well, sure, they could just EXPAND it, but that wouldn't optimize it. Nosirree, they needed a specialist to do it, and even though I'm TECHNICALLY not in the thermal design group, I showed my calculations to Grand Moff Dabow, who forwarded it to Grand Moff Tarkin - REALLY nice guy, once you get to know him, he can talk technical data for ages - and Tarkin decided that I should be the one overseeing the project...

GM: (under my breath) bloody hell!

CS: ...and I EVEN got to have an audience with the Emperor to explain the situation! Nice guy, very firm handshake - you wouldn't think so considering how old he is. You know what's weird? He's got those red guards who just follow him around, I wonder if they follow him into the toilet...

GM: So...you're just here temporarily?

CS: No no no, the Emperor requested that I stay on board permanently! He was THAT pleased with my design. (Captain Stupid beams) Man, sometimes I just can't help myself. This is so great! I'm so glad a friend like you is living next door to me!

Yup, I did this to myself. I procrastinated reading the plans, I chose pazaak over studying them, I brought them to breakfast, I let Captain Stupid borrow them, I let him keep it for several days.

Somewhere, fate is laughing at me.

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