Monday, May 30, 2005

Officer Hot Stuff - A Grumpy Moff's Dream

Preparing to leave the Devastator means trying to tie up any loose ends that may be remaining. At this point, that includes getting my "Death Star" plans back from Captain Stupid, but there's also several other issues to take care of.

You see, your favorite Grumpy Moff has a crush on someone. And despite having all the power of the Empire behind me (ok, well, not ALL of the power, but at least the 30 or so people I command), I was never able to talk with said crush. For the sake of anonymity, I'll call her Officer Hot Stuff.

What can I say about Officer Hot Stuff? She makes the drab grey of the Imperial uniform look more sexy than Coruscant's top model bathing in the luminous waters of Dantooine. She looks soft and smooth, but she's got an edge like sand - and she doesn't take crap from anyone, not even Vader. Yes sir, the only thing that burns brighter than her straight red hair is her wit. She's not afraid to call a spade a spade, and I'm certain she has a swagger in her walk just to drive Grumpy Moffs all over nuts.

My favorite Officer Hot Stuff moment was when a certain Lord Vader was dropping by the Devastator to deliver some stuff and perform one of his routine "I'm gonna scare the poop out of each ship in the fleet one by one" check ups. Officer Hot Stuff, who manages one of the docking crews in the main hanger bay, was part of the group receiving Vader's shuttle. As customary, she was standing with part of her crew to welcome the Dark Respirator of Doom as he stepped onto the Devastator.

The shuttle touched down with a satisfying THUNK and all of the dramatic looking steam from the lowering landing platform gave Vader a seriously cool looking entrance (I bet the Emperor probably ordered the Imperial shuttles with this thought in mind - he's all about intimidation). Vader marches off the shuttle and Officer Hot Stuff gives him the appropriate Imperial salute.

Officer Hot Stuff: Welcome Lord Vader. We are honored by your presence.

Vader: Dispense with the pleasantries, Officer Hot Stuff (obviously he didn't call her that, but try imagining Vader saying that - I guarantee you'll chuckle). We know why I'm here.

OH: No Lord Vader, I'm afraid I'm unsure as to why you've arrived. I'm assuming it's your standard inspection of the Devastator's bridge crew as we pass by Coruscant.

V: Officer Hot Stuff, I would advise you to listen to your communications more thoroughly. I am here to deliver detailed plans of the Death Star to all transferring crew members. These plans are of the utmost security and the Emperor has personally asked me to see they reach each crew member safely. (Vader stops) Where are the supplies I requested?

OH: (her left eyebrow slowly raises to make a neat arc over her clear blue eye. This is the point where most of us would be peeing our pants) What supplies?

V: The supplies I requested in the last transmission. The holopad units necessary for transferring the Death Star plans to the crew members. Have you failed to prepare these?

OH: My lord, you never requested your supplies.

V: I find your failure of recall disturbing.

OH: (a small smirk spreads over her lips) No, my lord. I'm sorry, I'll punch up your last transmission, you'll see that you never made such a request. You just told us that you'd be flying in.

V: Officer Hot Stuff, I will not tolerate insubordination or incompetance. You will explain to me why you have not produced the supplies I have requested.

OH: (smirk turns into irritated grin) Lord. Vader. You. Never. Asked. For. Those. Supplies. (Vader raises his hand) Oh what, you're gonna choke me? I know you're game. Just because you forgot to tell me something doesn't mean you have to act like some whiny little brat who doesn't get his way. (in a low Vader voice while making respirator noises) "I CANNOT EVER ADMIT THAT I AM WRONG. EVEN THOUGH I NEVER REQUESTED THE SUPPLIES (pauses to breath) AND THE HOLO-MESSAGE OVER THERE WILL PROVE THIS, I'M STILL (cough cough) GOING TO CHOKE EVERYONE ON THIS SHIP (more breathing) CAUSE I WANT MY WAY. I'M NOT A BRAT. (more breathing) I'M NOT I'M NOT I'M NOT."

The maintenance bay sits in absolute stunned silence. Vader is not moving and half the crew is grinning from ear to ear and the other half is paler than a jump to lightspeed. Officer Hot Stuff swaggers her perfectly formed butt over to the communications station and presses a button. A holo of Vader appears.

Holo-Vader: Devastator crew. Prepare for my arrival in four hours. Have a team ready to greet me. (off screen there is some talking and Vader turns his head and pauses before turning back) Make sure you are ready for my arrival.

The holo fades and Officer Hot Stuff tosses her crimson mane back. Vader looks at her, then the comm station, then back to her.

OH: You see, Lord Vader, you never asked for those supplies. You must have gotten distracted during the transmission.

V: Oh...(long pause as all we hear is his breathing. He looks at the bay captain who gives him a panicked shrug of the shoulders, then back at Officer Hot Stuff)

OH: Well? Are you going to apologize? Or are you still some CHILD (said with proper emphasis) who can't admit that he made a mistake and has to choke people instead of saying I'm sorry?

V: (another respirator pause) I am...um...I was...ah...

OH: Wrong?

V: Yes. (Vader tilts his head slightly downward and the echos of his respirator fill the entire landing bay)

OH: Very good, Lord Vader. We will have the supplies prepared for you as soon as possible.

No living organism in the galaxy, let alone the Devastator would have the balls (or female equivalent of) to say that to Darth Vader. You see why I'm smitten? Not only is she gorgeous, she's brilliant and witty. And I'm totally afraid to even say a peep to her because I don't want to be humiliated. I mean, if she can verbally undress a magic-choking guy in a big black helmet, imagine what she can do to just a single Grumpy Moff!

But I'm running out of time to gather up my courage. The Devastator could be shipped out to the outer rim and I may not see Officer Hot Stuff for years. Now's the time.

I can do this. I know I can.

1 Comments:

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