Tuesday, May 31, 2005

The Grumpy Moff Routine (or Why Having a Star Destroyer Office Rules)

I've heard that on the "Death Star," the Emperor is trying a new motivational tactic of removing any offices and using only work stations. This will supposedly improve Imperial morale by showing that we are all on the same level instead of divided up by supervisors and workers.

This sucks bantha balls and will totally destroy my routine.

My office is your typical Star Destroyer working cavern. It's about 8 feet by 10 feet with dark grey walls and a heavy black door that squeaks more than it whooshes when it opens. It's also got a big black desk that was originally situated with my back (and thus, my computer and holo-pad viewers) to the entryway. In other words, people could see when I was goofing off right when they came in. This was not cool, especially when my buddies would send me the latest pod race holo-vids.

With the help of a surprisingly strong astromech droid (and one memory wipe later), I stealthily repositioned the desk so that no one can see my view screen but me. I also got the astromech to remove the holo viewer to make it mobile. Most of the time, it's by my feet.

Over the past few years, I have streamlined my daily routine to an exact science. A typical Grumpy Moff day goes like this:

8 AM - 10:00 AM: Come into office. Check messages. Open up any cool holos sent by friends and family. Watch holonet news, catch up on latest discussion on Hutt In A Rutt (my favorite comedy show on the holonet), and see the latest sports scores from across the inner quadrant.

10:00 AM - 10:30 AM: File my daily maintenance reports from the previous day's checks.

10:30 AM - 10:45 AM: Take my note tablet to go on the daily turbolaser maintenance and performance checks. Wait at elevator 3NS until Officer Hot Stuff arrives to go to her hanger bay. Take the elevator down 10 floors with her while giving nervously charming smiles, expertly timed eye contact, and ear-catching rhythms tapped by my thumbs on the note tablet. Say nothing until she the elevator stops, then exclaim, "See you tomorrow" as she steps out of the door.

10:45 AM - 10:50 AM: Take elevator 3NS up 12 floors to begin daily checks.

10:50 AM - 11:00 AM: Complete analysis of my section's turbolaser efficiency, targeting accuracy, and volume output.

11:00 AM - 12:00 PM: Complain to anyone who will listen about my complete lack of ability to speak around Officer Hot Stuff.

12:00 PM - 1:30 PM: Go to Devastator mess hall and try to avoid Captain Stupid and other annoying people. Sometimes lose 500 credits in lunchtime pazaak tournament held by Commander Minigrey.

1:30 PM - 3:00 PM: Return to office. Check messages. Open up any cool holos sent by friends and family. Watch holonet news, catch up on latest discussion on Hutt In A Rutt (my favorite comedy show on the holonet), and see the latest sports scores from across the inner quadrant.

3:00 PM - 4:00 PM: Contact individual station workers and remind them that I need their daily performance checks sent to me by the end of the day so I can file reports tomorrow morning. Complain more about Officer Hot Stuff if the worker is in a sympathetic mood.

4:00 PM - 5:00 PM: Check batteries on my note tablets. Go to the bathroom to get water for my two plants. Give plants water. Call up buddies to see if anyone has any plans for the evening. If time permits, practice pazaak on my computer's simulator.

Some people say that I'm really lazy and only really work for maybe 20% of the time I am here. I say they're wrong; in fact, I have become so good at what I do, that I am able to do it in the minimal amount of time possible. This allows me to explore my other interests and keep a generally upbeat attitude during the rest of the day - which rubs off on the people I supervise, making them work better and happier.

All of this is possible because I have an office. Why would the Empire want to transfer me to a position where I couldn't nearly be as efficient?

0 Comments:

Post a Comment

<< Home