Sunday, May 29, 2005

Captain Stupid

People can be so stupid at times.

It was a typical morning at the Devastator mess hall. I like to sleep in, especially before big days, which means that breakfast is usually fast and furious. Since I'm one of those selected to begin working aboard the "Death Star" (and damn it, I'm gonna put that name in quotes for the eternity because I still think it's a dumb name), I've been given the detailed plans on a holo-pad. It's like a welcome guide to the station, since it's really really ridiculously big and it's easy to get lost in it.

Anyways, so I'm scarfing down my food while analyzing the "Death Star" plans. You know, just minding my own business and trying to figure out the important things are in relation to my station and my quarters: mess hall, toilets, gym, Imperial vending machines, etc. I'm lost in thought while trying to figure out how long it will take me to actually walk from my quarters near the butt-end of the trench to my post just under the main gun when I get accosted by Captain Stupid, who annoys the crap out of me.

(Note: Captain Stupid is neither a captain, nor is Stupid his real name. He's just an annoying guy who's ALWAYS asking questions. I mean, you'd think he'd never seen a schematic before, and he forgets information all the time - always asking and writing stuff down. Sheesh.)

Captain Stupid: Hey Grumpy Moff, whatcha got there?

Grumpy Moff: (clicking off holo-pad) Oh, um, nothing. Just a personal message from my mom.

CS: Oh come on, that was the Death Star, huh? Man, I want to work on that thing. I mean, it's so cool! Blows up entire planets! No one's gonna mess with us when that thing goes operational. I can't believe I wasn't selected to go to the Death Star. Oh well, I figured they need the best of the best out here patrolling on the Star Destroyers. You know, we gotta roam around to make sure there's no Rebel operations flying by to attack the Death Star. I mean, it holds all sorts of Tie Fighters and stuff, but still, it isn't very agile, know what I mean?

GM: Uh huh.

CS: (sitting down next to me) You know what I'd do if I was the Emperor? I'd put the Death Star in the middle of 500 Star Destroyers, like a planetary ring of ships. That way, no one would ever be able to get through to touch it - not even a small fighter. It's be like a wall of Death and Destroyers? Get it? Get it? Hahahahahahaha (laughs maniacally like a castrated Wookiee caught in lightspeed)

GM: Uh huh (starts shovelling breakfast in mouth faster).

CS: Hey, turn that back on, I wanna see something.

GM: No.

CS: Come on! Jeez, don't you trust me? I just wanna see!

GM: No.

CS: Man, why do you gotta be all secretive, huh? We're all Imperials here. If I had the plans, I wouldn't jerk you around by looking at it in the mess hall and then hiding it. I mean, geez, you think you're all high and mighty now that you're going to the all-powerful Death Star, what you can't even show a your buddy?

GM: Fine, fine. But not too long. (snaps on the holo-pad) I really gotta go do this maintenance check on the...

CS: Holy crap! Look at the docking bay on that? How many Tie Fighters do you think it can hold?

GM: Um...I dunno, I mean there's a lot of...

CS: Whoa, look at that! I didn't know they had turbolasers on the surface too! I just thought it was one big gun, you know, like a galactic boob with a nipple that fired planet-destroying milk. How many turbolasers does it have?

GM: I haven't really counted, but...

CS: Hey, hey, can you zoom in here? This trench looks super cool! Can you imagine flying down this? Now that's living dangerously! There's some more turbolasers in the trench too. Wow!

GM: Look, I really gotta go...

CS: Ah dude, come on! I don't get to look at these things! Just lemme check it out for one more second. Look, here's the holding cell. Why would they put that there? Wouldn't it make more sense to...

GM: Look, Captain Stupid, I've really gotta go do this maintenance check. How about you borrow the plans for today and just drop it back off on my mail slot later today? You can analyze it all you want.

CS: Holy crap! You'd let me borrow that? That would be totally awesome. I mean, some day I hope to get transferred to it, but until then, I'd love to check out the technical data on it. I mean, you know me - always gotta be learning and looking around. It's a blessing and a curse - I know all sorts of data, but it's never enough. I've got such a voracious appetite for knowledge. You know, my mom always said that I'd be perfect for the Academy because...

GM: (switches off holopad) Here, take it. Just give it back to me later today, ok?

CS: Sure, sure, not a problem, not a problem. Man! I wonder how solidly the Geonosians designed this way back when. Did you know this design dates back to the Clone Wars? I heard the Republic had this deal with the...

GM: (stuffs all remaining food in mouth) I gotta go.

As you can see, Captain Stupid is one of the most annoying people on the Devastator and I will not miss him one bit. He seems to be prone to bad luck too - he's always digging into stuff and then somehow, the Rebels later attack whatever he's been reading up on. Hopefully, they kill him one of these days.


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