Sunday, October 23, 2005

Vader's drunken celebration

The week before going to Yavin IV was very intense around here - at least for us worker folk. As for the higher ups, they seemed to be in good spirits after tracking down the Rebel base. Most "Death Star" employees knew that whatever success we had against the Rebels would be closely scrutinized, so the officers who were looking to be upwardly mobile worked extra hard (show-offs).

As for me, hey, I had no designs on being a Grand Moff or being one of those cloaked guys who
follows Palpatine around (what do they do? clean his shoes? wash his hands?) so I kept business as usual. Still, it made it a little harder to get some company during the down time. I hadn't forgotten the advice of the random droids from the week prior, but I still didn't have the nerve to try to "be myself" around Officer Hot Stuff. Instead, I had the most peculiar drinking partner down at the Death Splash Bar and Grill.

Three days before our departure for Yavin IV, I sat down for a Corellion Ale all by my lonesome at the bar. There wasn't anyone else in the place so I settled in with a drink and just sent my gaze towards the vid screens showcasing various galaxy sports. Halfway through my drink, I heard a distinct mechanical breathing behind me. My head slowly rotated back to see Darth Vader at the bar. I hope he didn't remember the peeing incident or our run-in during the turbolaser maintenance operation.

You know, for a station with several thousand employees, we sure do run into each other a lot. Funny, huh?

Anyways, I figured it was best to be polite (in a "I'm not scared to be here - really!" kind of way), so I mustered up, "Lord Vader, what a...pleasure to see you here. Come to check out the intergalactic blitzball tournament on the vid screens?"

Vader's giant helmet turned to me. "No," he said.

Awkward pause. Seconds turn into hours as the only noise is Vader's mechanical breathing.

"I wanted a drink," Vader finally said.

", well, um...pull up a stool if you want some company," I said. How does Vader drink?

The bartender approached Vader with a noticeable hesitation and small glimmer of fear in his eye. "Lord Vader, welcome to the Death Splash," he said with a waver in his voice. "What can I get for you?"

"Do you know how to mix a Poodoo Pod Paradise Popper?" Vader asked.

"Oh, well, for you my lord, certainly. I'll, um, have to get my mix book. Hey, that's a pretty strong cocktail, ain't it? I mean, I'm sure you can handle it - it'd certainly knock my socks off. Don't get too many requests for that, get my mix book and it'll be right up," said the bartender. He disappeared for a few seconds, then burst through the kitchen door cradeling eight different bottles with a book balanced on top. He took a single shot from each bottle, then pulled a hose down from the ceiling and squirted a blast of lemon mixer and reached undereath the bar for a Dantooine Soki fruit to put inside. "There you are, my lord. Do you need anything else?"

"I need a straw," Vader intoned.

"Oh, yes, how silly of me. Of course, my lord. Um...would you like a bendy or straight straw?"

"I need a straight straw," Vader said. The bartender grabbed a large red straw from underneath the bar and placed it in Vader's Poodoo Pod Paradise Popper. Vader took a small metal straw from his belt and attached it to the underside of his helmet, then hooked the red straw up to it. In roughly twenty seconds, the Paradise Popper disappeared up the straw and into the helmet. "Another," Vader said.

So that's how Vader drinks. And from the look of things, he likes to get blasted. Vader had three more in a row before he finally settled down next to me. His large shoulders had a slight rock to them, causing his cape to shake from side to side.

Vader was drunk.

"So, um, Lord Vader, how goes things?" I asked.

" know...things are going," he said. "I haven't had a drink in a long time, I have forgotten how much of a...kick...these have."

"Are you celebrating something?" I asked.

"Actually, yes. I accomplished something the other day that I have been wanting to do for years. Now that it is done, I am not sure how I feel about it. Sometimes...sometimes, you just WANT something so much, then when it happens, it is like, 'that's it?'" Vader paused. He tilted his head skyward for a second.

"Man, I know how you feel. There's this officer here who's absolutely beautiful. Ive watched her from afar for so long, then in the past few weeks, I FINALLY get a chance to talk to her and I make a total ass of myself. I don't know what to do," I said. I can't believe I'm discussing Officer Hot Stuff with Darth "Holds His Liquor" Vader.

"I was in love once. She was beautiful, intelligent, kind..." Vader leaned in close and put his arm around me, " not tell anyone this...but she was a demon in the sack. Man, she had a nice ass," Vader sat back up and his shoulders started to shake. "Ha ha, ha ha, ha ha," he laughed in a weird mechanical cadence.

"So what happened to her?" I asked.

" not wish to talk about it," Vader said.

"Oh, I gotcha. Bad break up, huh?" I said. "Better to have loved and lost and all that stuff."

"Yeah," Vader said.

"So, what were you celebrating?"

"Oh, that. Yes. Well, I finally killed the jerk who chopped off my arms and legs and left me to burn in lava," Vader said.

How the hell does someone respond to that?

"Yup, I just chopped him down with my lightsaber. He was blubbering about being all powerful and then one swipe - boom, he goes down. And now that it's was a lot of anger, and you wonder what it was all about. Should I have talked with him first before we started fighting? We used to be friends - a team. I hadn't seen him in years and years. Should I have told him that he made mistakes in the past? Should I have tried to convince him to see my side? Or were we just two old men, fighting over an issue that was really settled years and years ago." Vader looked at his drink. "I suppose that is why I am here. Just trying to figure it out before we get to the next important issue."

Boy, give Vader a little alcohol and he just goes off.

"I wonder if I made the right decision. I wonder how things might have been if we had talked before we fought all those years ago. Sometimes, you just wonder, how did I get here and was it all worth it? I cannot say that I know. All I know is that I finally got my revenge, but it did not feel as good as I thought it would. Maybe those emotions were empty, just spectors of old anger," Vader said.

I should have been recording this. Darth Vader, drunken philosopher. I put my hand on Vader's shoulder. "Hey, we all do stupid things. Sometimes, you just gotta live with it, learn what you can, and go to the next thing. Be positive, you know?"

" are probably right. I must go now," Vader said. He stood up, turned around, and took a step to the exit - apparently, he didn't notice that his cape was caught around the stool. He jerked back and grabbed the bar to get his balance. "Ha ha, ha ha - whoops," he said. Vader waved his arm and his cape magically untied itself and floated back down to his side. "No one saw that, ha ha, ha ha, oooooooooo," he said as he stumbled out the exit, putting a gloved hand to his helmeted head.

Well, I suppose if random gold droids can give me love advice, I can have a heart to heart with Darth Vader.

Friday, October 21, 2005

No vacations on Yavin IV

Where have I been for the past month? Just shuffling around the Empire, going from one Star Destroyer to another. I probably should have been updating this, but I got busy (and lazy). So, before I describe where I'm currently at, I've gotta go back in time and finish the tale of the "Death Star", Coruscant, and all the other messes that took place. Trust me, you won't be missing anything by me playing catch up this whole time, we're really just floating around space sending probe droids everywhere.

Shortly after the Rebel spies blasted out of the "Death Star," there was an emergency memo circulated to all employees stating that we were going to Yavin:

Subject: Yavin

Dear loyal Death Star employees,

In the next week, we will be travelling over to the Yavin system. Our sharp Imperial intelligence has indicated that the Rebel spies have a hidden base on the 4th moon. This moon is a forest moon and is considered a prime vacation spot by many people. However, because the terrorist threat of the Rebel Alliance must be eliminated for complete safety and security of our Empire, there is a chance that the Death Star's main gun will have to be used to destroy the base. There is a risk that the moon will be destroyed as well.

Obviously, we wish to preserve the economy of the Yavin system and its travel industry and we hope that the Rebels surrender peacefully. However, we will do what we must to preserve peace and protection throughout our galaxy.

If you have friends or relatives vacationing on Yavin IV, we recommend that you advise them to leave early. Do not - I repeat - do not mention anything about the Rebel base, spies, or the Death Star.

Best regards,

Grand Moff Tarkin

P.S. Obviously, this information is confidential. Do not forward this on to anyone.


So we were off to Yavin. At the same time, several officers - myself included - were given temporary assignments to help out Star Destroyers that had been recently hit by Rebel attacks. My assignment was to attend to the (what else) turbolaser repair on the Star Destroyer Killzone, and I was scheduled to leave right after we entered the Yavin system. And that's where I'll pick up on my next post (it won't be a month from now, I promise!)

Sunday, September 11, 2005

Droid psychology

It looks like the investigation into the whole "Death Star" mess is coming to a close. I've heard rumor that the security lockdown should be getting lighter after another week or two. That means I can post regularly again.

In the meantime, I should be able to finish catching everyone up on what happened. When I left off, Vader was standing in the hallway waiting for a guy that he apparently wasn't friends with. Well, just a few hours after that incident, I was finishing up my share of the turbolaser maintenance checks in the hanger bay where they had captured an adrift Corellion freighter.

With my toolkit in hand, I stepped out of the turbolift and into the hanger bay. The turbolaser controls were to the left of the captured freighter. Standing about 30 feet away at a monitoring station was Officer Hot Stuff.

Great, how could I make an ass of myself this time? I had two choices - walk in, say hello to her, and move along to my business OR pretend not to notice her (because I am cool like that) and see if she says hello to me. I chose the latter - NOT because it's in theory the easier thing to do, but because, like a good officer during a time of Imperial crisis, I am dedicated to my duty.

Or so I told myself with each step. I also discovered that it's VERY difficult to appear like you're not looking at someone while you conciously try not to look at them. I decided to pick one point in my field of vision and stick with it. Yes, that ventilation shaft in the upper corner of the hanger bay now had my complete interest. I would not turn my head to make eye contact with Officer Hot Stuff. Nope, just walking with my head cocked to the upper left and my eyes squarely focused on that ventilation shaft. Let's see, there were one, two, three, four, five slits in it to allow air to flow. Wow, that's really interesting. It looks like it was spot-welded there too, no visible screws or anything.

As I was analyzing this, I failed to notice the mouse droid zooming around the hanger bay floor. Because I was so dedicated to inspecting the ventilation shaft, I completely missed when the mouse droid was coming right at me. The heel of my left boot caught the droid as it ran by me, causing me to stumble back into a small wedge into the wall - right into the arms of a gold protocol droid and a little astromech.

"Goodness gracious me," exclaimed the protocol droid, "are you all right sir?"

I looked around to see if anyone had noticed the ruckus. Officer Hot Stuff glanced over and my eyes immediately swirled around to look at the protocol droid.

"Oh yeah, I'm fine. Sorry about that, I was just distracted. Are you working on something here? You guys are kind of hidden, so I must not have noticed you."

"Wheeeeeeeeooooooooooww" beeped the astromech.

"Oh, well, my little friend here was just addressing this maintenance grid right here. We had just finished up and were awaiting a parts droid to come give us what we need." The astromech beeped and shook with approval. "I say, sir, you appeared to be quite fixated on that ventilation shaft in the upper corner. Are you looking for something?"

"," I muttered. I glanced quickly over my shoulder and saw Officer Hot Stuff had resumed her work, though she was shaking her head. "Look, um, I'm actually on my way over there," I pointed to the turbolaser panel "right now, but I'm trying to avoid someone. Can I just stay here and chat with you guys for a second?"

The protocol droid tilted his head at an angle and looked down at the astromech. The astromech gave a tired "whooooooo" and the protocol droid looked back at me. "That should be all right sir, we are just waiting here for someone" (the astromech beeped again) "someone, I mean, the parts droid. Isn't that right R2?" The astromech tilted and shook with approval. "Sir, who is it you are trying to avoid?"

"It's,'s that woman over there," I said with a helpless shrug.

"I see. Does she have some sort of contamination you'd like to avoid?" the protocol droid asked.

"No, it's not that at all. Actually, I'd really liked to be contaminated by her," I said.

"You wish to be contaminated by her? Goodness, I shall never understand human behavior. Sir, if she is carrying some sort of toxin in her blood stream, that could prove fatal to someone as yourself. I would highly recommend avoiding that woman."

"Well, she's kind of avoiding me right now," I muttered.

"I see, sir. Perhaps you carry a chemical in your bloodstream that adversely reacts to the toxin in hers?" the protocol droid asked.

"No, no, it's not like that at all. There's no physical contamination in there. It's all...mental," I said.

"Yes, sir, I understand now. She must have deep psychological scarring. I noticed that when you fell into us, she looked over here and shook her head violently. I believe you may have triggered some sort of traumatic memory for her," the protocol droid said.

"Deep psychological scarring...listen, do you know anything about women?" I asked.

"Why, I am familiar with the female gender of over 25,000 different lifeforms. 43% of these lifeforms feature a regular cycle to address the mating and conception process, while 32% of these..."

"That's enough. I get it. I mean, do you understand how women think?"

"Sir, in my service, I have found behavior of any type of being - humans especially - to be terribly difficult to understand."

"Well, that's the thing. I mean, look at her. She's smart, quick-witted, and really, really hot. And I continue to do stupid stuff in front of her, and it just turns her off - I even blew the one chance we had to really, really talk and get to know each other. Now I just stumble into droids in front of her."

The protocol droid looked at Officer Hot Stuff and back at me. "Sir, I believe you are mistaken. My thermal sensors do not indicate a rise in temperature in her body. In fact, I believe she her body temperature matches the regular temperature for healthy human."

"That's not what I meant. Look, just put it this way - if you were me, how would try to impress someone that you hold in high esteem?"

The astromech turned its lid over to the protocol droid and beeped a few times. The protocol droid, in return, tilted his head and appeared to be in deep thought (well, appeared for a droid with a frozen face).

"Sir, if I were in your position, I would attempt to convince her about the quality of my functions, including my translation abilities and my technical maintenance techniques. However, my counterpart here," he tapped the dome of the astromech,"says that you should relax and just be yourself."

The astromech shook back and forth with approval.

"Just be myself? know, maybe I've been trying too hard with her. Maybe he's right," I said, nodding at the astromech,"I probably think too much about the whole thing. Starting tomorrow, I will approach this with a fresh start. How does that sound?"

"Wheeeeeoooooow" beeped the astromech. "I believe R2 here approves of your decision."

"Sounds good," I said with a smile. "Hey, let me know if you guys ever need any special parts or anything. I'm a turbolaser supervisor and have access to all sorts of goodies. Just send a message to access code 422809, that'll head right to my inbox." I grabbed my toolkit off the floor. "Well, I have some maintenance to do now. Thanks for the wisdom."

I marched over to the turbolaser panel and began checking over its key mechanical functions when the sound of blaster fire caused me to duck. The Rebel spies had apparently come back to reclaim their ship - and they were taking my psychologist droids with them. Before I knew it, the ship had blasted out of the hanger bay.

Just figures, huh? I finally meet someone who I can talk sensibly with about Officer Hot Stuff and Rebel spies kidnap them.

Monday, August 29, 2005

Vader is into dudes

You know what's really stupid? The fact that I'm on Coruscant but I can't speeder over a few miles to go see my parents. Now, I really don't want to visit my folks that much, especially after the last disastor/family meal that occured, but it's all about freedom of movement here. Imperial's aren't allowed to hang out with non-Imperial personnel until Mr. Palpatine figures out who the spy was that leaked the "Death Star" plans. I have my suspicions about Captain Stupid (which brings up another question - is his stupidity a ploy or does everyone, no matter what political faction they are, find him annoying?), but I can't really say anything since I already got in trouble for my own personal "investigation of him.

In any case, you're not missing anything exciting right now. I hang out in the Imperial office all day, drink Bajorran coffee with some mates, chit chat about the new model speeders, then we all go home. It's very quiet right now, though there are rumors of surviving "Death Star" personnel shipping off on Star Destroyers soon. We'll see.

Anyways, back to the story of how the "Death Star" blew up and I wound up stranded in a shuttle with Officer Hot Stuff. So after the cell block incident, security was pretty tight. In fact, they had all of us turbolaser maintenance guys working around the clock to tune up our watch. I was assigned to go out and check the internal guts of a wide block of turbolasers, which basically meant walking down a long series of hallways, opening up a panel every 20 feet, and double checking to see everything's ok.

Something really odd happened as I passed by the tractor beam shaft. I think I must have bonked my head or something cause I woke up on the floor. I had recollections of very strange dreams involving an old man in a brown robe. The fact that I was dreaming about old men was much more disturbing to me than the fact that I randomly passed out by the tractor beam (tractor beams have weird technical crap that I can't understand anyway - for all I know, a giant magnet pulled my brain out of consciousness for a few seconds). Well, I suppose if I can't get Officer Hot Stuff, my subconscious is telling me to reach for the more attainable. Old men, however, don't have the curvy butt of athletic female hanger bay officers. I'll let this one sit for a while, though if I continue to have dreams of old men in robes (at least he didn't open the robe), I'll have to go see the Imperial shrink.

Anyways, I was just bumbling along doing my maintenance checks when I turned the corner and who do I see but Darth Vader. Now usually when I see Vader, he's walking somewhere in a hurry and generally looking (as much as a masked dude can) pissed off. But this time, well, he was just standing there. Even weirder, his lightsaber was drawn.

So this was the eternal dilemma. Do I do my duty and open up the turbolaser panel right next to strangely static with lightsaber Darth Vader or do I absolve myself of many potential problems by "forgeting" to check this panel.

My eventual reasoning was this: maybe Vader's WATCHING for maintenance people just like myself to check that they do their duty. So, I'll just casually creep up and open the maintenance panel next to Mr. Vader and do my thing...

"What are you doing here?" Vader boomed.

"Whoa, oh hey, Lord Vader. Wow. I didn't see you there. Have you been standing there the whole time?"

"What are you doing here?" Vader repeated.

"Turbolaser maintenance. Just doing my job like a good Imperial soldier. You know, can't be too careful with those Rebel spies running around on the station."

Apparently, the mention of Rebel spies didn't please Vader too much as his leather glove crinkled with the tightening of his lightsaber. He turned to me and said in a slow, even tone (well, more slow and even than usual Vader), "Have you seen anyone...unusual around here?"

" this a trick question?"

"I am waiting for someone," Vader said.

"Oh. she hot? Ha ha," I said. Hey, it's what I would ask Fun Commander or Grumpy B if they were here.

"She is a he," Vader said.

"Ok...well...I passed by lots of guys on my way here. HE hot? Maybe I passed by your friend," I said. If Vader wants to swing that way, it's cool with me. To each his own, I say.

"He is not my friend," Vader said.

"Oh...gotcha. One of those things. Look, I know the lightsaber is threatening and all, but sometimes, you just gotta talk it out. Of course, who am I to talk? I can't even get a first date right with Officer Hot Stuff, so who am I to give Lord Darth Vader advice on how to handle men," I said. Then I realized that maybe Vader wasn't into dudes and I didn't want to offend anyone that could choke me by thinking. "That is, um, and women...or men and men...or women and women...or asexual creatures and whoever they choose to be friends with. That could be anyone. People are people, that's what I say. Live and let live. Yup," I said. Vader still had not moved.

There's nothing more awkward than a silence that is cut through by the hum of a lightsaber.

"So...looks like these turbolasers are up and running ok. I'll just leave you along so you can meet your...guy who's not a that cool?" I said

Vader turned his head and glared at me. "That," he said.

I closed up the turbolaser panel and packed up my tool kit. "All right, well good luck with your not-a-friend guy. By the way, I think there's something wrong with the tractor beam power. I walked by it and passed out and it gave me these really bizarre dreams of old men in brown robes..." I said to Vader. I couldn't finish my sentence because at the mention of old men in brown robes, Vader unleashed a distorted "ARGH" and swung his lightsaber at the wall.

"HE IS HERE! HE IS HERE!" Vader yelled, cutting his lightsaber further and further into the wall - thankfully choosing to sever the instruments ADJACENT to my turbolaser panel.

"Whoa, dude, it's cool. I'll just leave you alone now, ok? Just, um, watch out for the tractor beam, it gives you funky dreams." I walked off as fast as I could politely speed-walk away.

Man, I wouldn't want to be the person summoned to fix THAT panel.

Monday, August 22, 2005

Fun in the cell block

As you can probably tell by my lack of posting, the Empire's been on a bit of an information lockdown lately. Blogging, especially from an anonymously snarky officer, isn't particularly appreciated at this point. Until the destruction of the "Death Star" is thoroughly investigated and closed, I'll only be able to post sporadically. Perhaps things will change when I get my new assignment. Survivors of the "Death Star" are currently being housed on Coruscant after a brief detour with whatever Star Destroyer was able to pick them up.

It's certainly a long story, so I'll start where I left off, write what I can, and update until things get back to normal. When you first left me, I had just finished serving my sentence in the brig for my little breaking-and-entering stunt on Captain Stupid. Well, the next day, I realized that I left one of my pass cards in the cell, so I went back up to the cell block station to check out the lost and found. The station officer let me back into my cell and I was busy digging around underneath the metal bed block when I heard a the station door open. I peeked around the corner and saw two stormtroopers (one noticeably shorter than the other - he must be really strong or something cause I thought the Empire had physical minimums to be a trooper) bring a wookiee to the holding cell.

Then all hell broke loose. There was a lot of screaming, a lot of blasting, a lot of really loud wookiee howling and when it was all over, I snuck a look outside to see the two stormtroopers, now helmetless, arguing over the bodies of dead officers. As the wookiee leaned back and scratched himself, the short trooper jogged up the rampway to the cells while the other one was talking into the comlink.

Being the brave guy that I am, I rolled underneath the bed as the trooper passed my open door. Pretty sly, I thought to myself - a little too soon, though. The trooper leaned back and saw me.

"Are you hiding under the bed?" he asked.

I remained quiet. Maybe he thinks it's someone else hiding under the bed.

"Look, I see you under there," he said. Looks like what little luck I had ran out. I crawled out from underneath the bed, my Imperial officer's cap knocked forward as I smacked my not-too-smart skull against the bed as I stood up.

"Hey, um, I don't know what's going on, but I'm just here to pick up this pass card. See?" I said, holding the card up, waving it around as if it would make a protective blaster shield. "I don't even have a gun. I just supervise turbolaser operators...oh...crap."

The trooper held his gun up. This wasn't good. He didn't look old enough to be holding a blaster rifle, let alone be a trooper. Really nice tan, though - he must work outside a lot.

Of course, I couldn't fully comprehend all of the different places in the galaxy where one could get a tan like that because then it hit me that a blaster rifle was being pointed at me. Me! First I make an ass of myself in front of Officer Hot Stuff for the 6 millionth time, then I get thrown in prison, and now some teenage stormtrooper.

Wait a minute - if he's younger than most troopers - and shorter! - then he must be ridiculously overqualified. Maybe he's a sharpshooter extraordinaire. Maybe he's one of those freaky guys who looks tiny but can tear your arms out of your sockets. Maybe he's got crazy weird powers like Darth Vader and can choke people just by looking at them.

Oh crap. I REALLY regret breaking into Captain Stupid's quarters now.

"Look man, I didn't see anything. I was just here under the bed looking for my pass card. I'm sure the station officers shot at you first. I mean, really, they're jerks. I got thrown in here for something really, really dumb and they weren't nice to me at all. Whatever you did, I'm sure it's totally justified. I didn't see anything. Just, um, hanging out here...under the bed...the whole time." I knelt down and rolled back under the bed. "See, I was here the whole time. Didn't see a thing," I said evenly, trying not to piss of Mr. Overachieving Extraordinary Short Young Stormtrooper. "Please don't shoot me!" I blurted out.

Hey, when you gotta beg for your life, might as well do it right, right?

The short trooper relaxed and lowered his rifle. "Hey, I'm here for something else. I'm not gonna shoot you, just gonna shut and lock this door from the outside, all right?"

"Not a problem, man. Not a problem. Do what you need to do. I've spent three days in here, it's practically my second home."

Man, I am pathetic.

The trooper closed the door and opened the one next to me a few seconds later. A few garbled conversations later, some more yelling, and then more blaster fire sounds cut through the wall. One large explosion later and suddenly everything started smelling like sewage.

Let's see. In the matter of 10 minutes, I've managed to hide under a prison bed, beg pathetically for my life, and get trapped in a room with the aroma of excrement floating inside. Yes, I've got the best luck in the world.

About 30 minutes later, some more stormtroopers opened my door and filled me in on what was going on (after a thorough interrogation - do I look like a Rebel soldier? I cowered under the bed, for heaven's sake!). Apparently the prisoner next to me was Senator Leia Organa, who is know an exposed Rebel spy, and the two stormtroopers who shot their way in here were her rescuers.

At this moment, I made the connection - Captain Stupid knew Leia Organa. In fact, I'd seen him on the vid screen with her a few times. Perhaps they weren't just involved in tech smuggling.

The truth came later as the story evolved. I've used up my communication time now though, I'll tell the next part in the story the next time I can get to a comm console. Hopefully, the Empire will lift these communications restrictions fairly soon - not that I terribly care about the investigation of the "Death Star's" destruction, I just wanted to check my email to see if any of my volleyball teammates survived.

Tuesday, August 16, 2005

I'm not dead!

It's been an interesting week, to say the least. You may have wondered why I haven't updated. Well, long story short, I'm currently floating in an Imperial Shuttle (with Officer Hot Stuff, no less!) waiting to be picked up by our old mates on the Devastator. I'm sure you've seen the news by now, but in case you haven't, the "Death Star" has been destroyed.

We just got our communications up and running again a few hours ago, so I'll give you the whole story over the next few days.

I don't know who the Rebel pilot was that blew up the station, but he should thank Captain Stupid for expanding the size of that exhaust port. Regardless of its size, that was a hell of a shot - I know I couldn't do it.

More later.

Sunday, August 07, 2005

Apologies to those from Alderaan

Life inside an Imperial cell is very, very boring. That, and I don't have computer access, so I couldn't update my blog for a few days. You guys didn't miss anything though, it was a lot of sitting back and staring at the wall. I'm not sure if anyone informed Captain Stupid of what I did since I haven't seen him since I got out. He hasn't sent me any death threats or staked out my quarters, so I'm assuming things are cool and he hasn't flipped out...yet.

The only notable thing that happened was my first day when I was taking a nap and the sounds of several pairs of footsteps clammored by my cell. During a brief pause, I could hear the distinct hoooooooo-phhhhhaaaaawwwww of Darth Vader's breathing. Then another distinct noise - the whirring and buzzing of one of the Imperial interrogation droids (which I didn't have to deal with since I 'fessed up to my misdemeanor pretty quickly - I'm not messing with those things, they have big ass needles!). The cell door next to me whooshed open and I could hear the footsteps bundle together inside. There was a muffled exchange (a female voice and Vader's muffled mechanical musings) for about 20 minutes before the group took off. It must be a pretty important person for Vader to interrogate her personally. I wonder if he told her about his awesome lightsaber cooking skills.

Anyways, today when I got back to my quarters, I checked my messages. Apparently, I missed the big news - this morning, the "Death Star" took its first test run of the main gun. Here's the memo I received in my email.

To: Death Star Employees (
From: Grand Moff Tarkin (
Subject: Alderaan destruction

Dear friends,

Today, we pass along the regretable news that the planet Alderaan was destroyed. This was a good news/bad news situation. The bad news, obviously, is that the planet was destroyed. The good news is that the Death Star's main gun works just as we planned and the destruction was quite spectacular - it even had a praxis effect (at least I thought so, but Lord Vader apparently saw it differently - we'll have to check the vid records).

Our apologies to those native to Alderaan. You must know that your planet's destruction was done for the greater good of peace and justice. There were many reports of Rebel factions forming in Alderaan and our intelligence simply could not pinpoint all of traitors. Rather than let the Rebel factions grow in strength, the Emperor decided the best course of action to protect peace and security would be to eliminate the entire planet - thus, eliminating all threats to our Imperial way of life.

As compensation for lost property and/or loved ones, the Empire will give native Alderaanians a 10% discount at Donnell's Speeder Shop in Coruscant's Galactic City. Death Star employees will get an added bonus of a coupon for one free meal and drink at our very own Death Splash Pub & Grill.

To claim your Speeder Shop voucher and meal/drink ticket, please visit any security station with your Alderaan ID.

If you have any questions regarding the destruction of Alderaan, please email Lord Vader ( He will happily answer your inquiry.

For continued peace and security,

Grand Moff Tarkin

Captain Stupid is from Alderaan. As I much as I dislike the guy, it must suck to have your whole planet blown up.